Who doesn't want to be famous?

Reasoning why I want to start a blog.

"Dad was such a drag.

Everyday he'd eat the same kind of food,

dress the same,

sit in front of the same kind of games.."

My life so far.

Everyday, after work, I get home, eat with the family, chat a bit, go upstairs and get online

Every day for the pasts two years my life has being slipping past me.

I'm 30 and call it "the crisis" if you want, I became so self aware of dying that sometimes in the night I would lay awake breathing heavily, dying a little inside every night it happened.

It doesn't help that the woman that I wished to be with me for the rest of my life decided to leave me after a few nasty words that came from pure frustration with our relationship, somehow, I just lost it, lost her, and lost my path...

Now I find my self feeling lonely every day, I get home, eat, go online...

I know I'm not alone, I have my father and my mother, my son and two daughters that I see every weekend, 3 friends that I love as if they were brothers, a brother that I don't see very often, I'm surrounded by people that I care and that care about me.

I am economically stable, I just feel like I've given up on life, like nothing even matters anymore, like all that I've done for the past 10 years is just NOTHING.

I know that's not the case, I lost a business, started another one, married twice, got 3 kids out of the deal, drank every weekend with my friends, partied very hard for quite a while after my first divorce, lost a friend that chose her side when I didn't even ask him to choose a side.

And now I find myself wishing to make something out of me, the path I've traveled has brought me here, into a den of self loathing and disgust, of self doubt and apathy of life, into feeling that if I died nothing of importance would be lost.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not suicidal, I don't want to kill my self, in my darkest hours all I could think about is that I don't want to die alone and without fulfilling my dream.

The dream.

I have being a writer since I can hold memory, when I was a little boy my mom and dad bought me a book, the "365 bedtime stories" book, one short story for every day of the year, I still remember the first story and the story of my birthday as if I had just read it, and even more remarkable I remember writing in a little diary my dad bought me pieces of the stories with me inserted as the Mary Sue.

I left the diary stuff when I was a little boy and moved on to poetry in my teen years, oh how I loved poetry, it was the joy of life to read them and write them, even remember giving some to a few girls and after being rejected or laughed at, I kept writing them, but now I had a challenge, I got it into my head that writing was meant to be seen, not saved, I had always watched shows where "the writer is so shy about it's work" well I was not going to do that!, so it became my duty to "publish" my works, I would copy and staple around 15 poems at a time and give them to whoever wanted a copy quite a few girls were interested and liked my poetry, I even remember one of them sending a poem of mine in her name to a contest and winning, I was super happy but didn't care about the prize, I just wanted my words to be read by people I wanted people to "see me" even if they didn't knew it was "me" they were seeing.

That evolved into an obsession of becoming a writer...

Life won't just buckle over and give you what you want.

And so I decided to become a writer, I would read every day, I would write every day, I would study every day about writing, it was my calling, what I wanted, what I wished for, I wanted to study "Philosophy" to get a better preparation on writing...

And then life happened.

I won't go into details, but I ended up getting enrolled into a business school, a miserable business school, quite obviously I flunked out and decided to get working, opened a business and had it for around 3 years, got married to my first wife to which I had my first son, that didn't last and got a divorce, 3 years later re married and had 2 daughters, my business busted, started something else and that relationship didn't last again...

All the while I kept writing small pieces every other week, some where for my self, others for the people that I love and for my family, all the while wishing I could write a book, I tried and tried and tried, but stress and work and life wouldn't let me do it, I wrote like 5 different books in my head but never had the chance of putting those things into words, I just lost the habit, I just lost the way, I just didn't  have it in me anymore to put what I wanted into words.

Substituting the dream with the trendy.

As I explained before, I thought I could be happy by just getting people to "see me", so I started a YouTube "experiment", I had already uploaded some videos of me very drunkenly singing songs without music, you can still find them online in my YouTube channel if you care for that, I loved watching people playing video games and loved video games myself, as such, I said "what the hell I'll do that! that way people will see me" and did some game play videos for my channel.

"How's it going bros my name is Pewdiepie"

It's not the same... it doesn't feel the same, there is a huge disconnection about what I am doing and what I am saying and what I want to make for people to be entertained, I wasn't saying anything of what I wanted to say and a very diluted sense of what I am trickled down into trying to be funny.

I hated that feeling.

I still try to twitch from time to time and will probably try to do more videos without the obvious copying of big YouTubers but I don't feel like I should fake my reactions, and I don't particularly like scripted sequences, so I'll most likely do more stuff in the vein of just playing and reacting to the game on what I think than trying to be funny and hope people like me, maybe that's why I enjoyed doing a bit of twitch from time to time, too bad my internet and current PC can't handle it.

And we are back to having no outlet for my creativity and my voyeuristic need to be "seen"

¿What better way to regain the habit of writing than doing blogs?

I noticed that one single outlet I had was writing stuff on forums online to people, discussing topics, giving my two cents, all that stuff, and I noticed that I usually wrote more than who was writing to me, that got me thinking "I may still be more literate than the people that I read on this places" I mean I know I'm wrong, but still it just showed that I loved writing, and that I should do that more.

In comes blogger, an outlet of the past, present and future, I have spent so many hours reading stuff in here that I have lost track, such a great space of like minded people, writing and sharing our thoughts, reading on peoples opinions, learning with them, getting in arguments, understanding people, who doesn't like to have their small little space on the web to publish whatever they want?, who doesn't want to be acknowledged by others?, have their views countered, engaging on discussions, saying what you want and learning what others want to say, such a beautiful solution to my thirst for writing.

and here is where I start, with an introductory post, about why I'm doing this and where I come from, hoping for people that get to read this to get to know me a bit more, what better way to introduce my self into the blogging community than by doing a blog about why I want to blog?

I'll keep on posting, I'll try to post daily, some will be short, some will be long, some will be about nothing, some will have such an in deep meaning behind that will hurt, but at least now you know in a broad sense where I come from, let us find out where I'll go!.

Next up... what I like to talk about and why I don't talk about it with anyone.